Substance Abuse Rehabilitation Found in Energy Drink

Jimmy Chet Baker was admitted to the Kershaw County Medical Center in Camden, South Carolina late in April 2007. Baker was admitted for a third relapse of crack cocaine induced overdose and took 8 months to recover from his frail state. After Baker was released from the government sponsored Medicare health coverage on the grounds of "categorically too F'd up," Baker found solace in an unsuspecting can of Full Throttle Energy Drink. Baker shared his new economic source of drug rehabilitation with others in his social network, and soon Parole Officer Nancy Washington brought this new coping method to the attention of the city of Camden. Under closer attention it was documented that Costco had increased their order of energy drinks by five times since the previous year, and in concert with the convincing local testimonials the city sponsored the first "Full Throttle Rehabilitation Center brought to you by Full Throttle". 

This safe house provides recovering drug addicts with a variety of forms of Full Throttle to accommodate to the users previous drug addiction. Using an in-house basic chemistry lab, residents can create crystal F.T., tablet F.T. and liquid F.T. (both for injection and standard oral consumption).  "Crystal F.T. allows me to freebase, like I used to, safely," describes Baker, "I like to call it the escort drug, I'm leaving behind the bad substances but keeping all the same habits."

Medical professionals contracted to observe and design the system used previous studies on the effects of energy drinks to create this form of therapy. The chemical success is found in the high concentration of caffeine and taurine, a combination which creates the desired "loaded" feeling. Criticism has been made on the inherent risk taking behavior in regular consumption of energy drinks, and how this may lead recovering drug addicts into trouble. Though the rehabilitation program is still in an experimental phase, patients are satisfied to such an extent that returning to previous drugs does not seem to be a threat. Brad Johnson, executive on-site addiction expert refutes the critique, and on the contrary, believes energy drink induced behavior is, "revitalization for a broken spirit. We're giving you a safe substance and saying, 'We dare you!'"

The immediate corrective and rehabilitating results of the program seem to be unclear, but Full Throttle officials say that the treatment is actually incredibly fun to undergo. Instances of paranoia, seizing, and heart palpitations still occur under the new treatment but there a no signs of auditory hallucinations. Officials claim this new intermediary program is a realistic approach to abstinence and altering the definitions of traditional substance abuse rehabilitation. 

Scalioclasm: A Necessary Protection for our Children

Birmingham, AL-- In a rare collision of urban development and science, the Planning Committee of the city of Birmingham, Alabama ruled stairs to be unsafe on school premises. In recent years children have reported climbing stairs throughout the school day increasingly difficult and straining their ability to learn. Teachers and other staff members of the school district find this task equally arduous and find a lack of energy for teaching after such exertion. In a dramatic culmination of stair angst, a series of "stair burnings" took place throughout the city. The structural damage was minimal in comparison to the clear message delivered to the School District. 

Stairs have caused a cascading set of issues with in schools in Birmingham. With a higher proportion of asthmatic youth, children find the time needed to recover and use their inhaler is causing tardiness and increased medical costs. "Rail Hoisting", a strategy created to ease the stair climbing process, involves using the stair handrail like a scaling rope when mountaineering. This new concentrated traffic has also caused physical injury to students accidentally stuck between different paced students and wrist sprains. The most significant detriment to students climbing stairs is psychological. After climbing one, sometimes two, flights of stairs individuals are often left in a state of profuse perspiration. This is a distraction for surrounding students and an overwhelming feeling of self-consciousness making it nearly impossible to retain educational material. 

Child psychologist Hughes Baker at the University of Southern Alabama created the term of "Porker Stigma" which is defined as an unequal treatment of individuals who are abnormally ungainly and particularly challenged by their fitness.  This condition is found in abnormally high rates among overweight youth, particularly when "performing challenging tasks". Baker designed an experiment for the Birmingham Public School District monitoring the emotional status of children required to use stairs throughout the school day. The children who attended classes all on a single floor were used as the control group. He found remarkable differences in anxiety and confidence levels between children who faced physical challenge amidst their school day. Based upon these results the City of Birmingham banned stairs from all future municipal school buildings. 

The planning department foresees pecuniary difficulties in acquiring the necessary land to build schools due to the new spacious and sprawling building codes. In order to accommodate this regulation in the most effective manner the city has hired architects renowned for their intricate use of space. Bill McNavry is the executive architect for Maze Quest Mania: The worlds largest collection of human-sized mazes and labyrinths. McNavry's extensive knowledge in maze design will create a stimulating and fun environment that will severely reduce physical exertion of any variety. 

The rejuvenated teachers and students are hopeful for future students who will not have to experience the same obstacles. In response, new school mascots are being adopted such as "The Moving Sidewalks" and new school motto's such as " Education to test and encourage children's mental abilities not physical ineptitude". The success and publicity of this new stair reform has encouraged other cities in the region to consider similar policies. 

Your-Momma Joke inspires US EPA Breakthrough

BETHESDA--In the 38th anniversary celebration of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, Tricia Nixon, the daughter of former president Richard Nixon, gave the keynote address. In keeping to formality, Nixon cheerfully began with a simple joke: "Your momma's so fat she makes the earth tilt and cause global warming". What began as a simple crowd pleaser transformed the fundamental understanding of global warming.

The earth spins on an axis that is tilted from the perpendicular to the plane of orbit of the sun. It is the degree of tilt that causes the earth's seasons, and also determines the sun exposure to the Poles. Recently there has been a higher tilt angle cause increased sun exposure to the elliptical axis (around 41,000 years per cycle) the angle will only continue to increase.

The burdens of an increasingly overweight society go beyond the tax dollars required for chronic disease healthcare. The EPA is taking this new factor seriously an formed a council of consultants and politicians in order to reduce "lipid pollution". Mississippi senator Thad Cochran and dieting expert Jenny Craig advise the council and guarantee, "Bodies getting smaller and planet getting better!" The most overweight state in America, Mississippi, is postulated to bring important insight to the intervention in order to apply the most effective weight loss policies. There is new government legislation outlined by these members that has cause a significant feud between environmentalists and ethicists. 

"We're worried about discrimination," said Robert Redek, the director of the newly established non-profit FATSO (Fight Against Temperature Supersizing Organization). Redek classified as 145 lbs. overweight, and began the organization because of threatening phone calls he began to receive from local marine biologists when the report was released. 

The United States EPA found little to no reduction of green house gas emissions for the fifth consecutive year. This new discovery may be at the crux of discovering and altering the deterioration of the planet, and is projected to impact the climate greater than any other factor since the Industrial Revolution. Research is taking further steps too measure the resource intake and pollution output in members of the population classified as 85 percent overweight. This research will be used as evidence to implement "population health" standards that will be enforced through physical re-education. 

New Medication Makes Pharmaceutical Advertisments More Convincing

ARIZONA-- A breakthrough medication has been released that allows pharmaceutical companies to be more successful in the distribution of their products. In a surprisingly progressive collaboration, three pharmaceutical companies found a shared interest that resulted in a % .0001 donation of their annual revenue to the fund entitled, “Let’s get more people better, Faster”.
After a weeks worth of haughty debates on the most promising tactics to attack the significant challenge, two hopeful solutions emerged. CEO Greg Aventis felt that mass medication via airborne plane dispersal would be the fastest way to address the issue. Opposingly, board member John Johnson believed that there should be a new drug developed to assist patients in purchasing more drugs in order to reduce the susceptibility to other illnesses. The two proposals were settled with the standard FDA solution, and with a 5-2 rock paper scissors win over Greg Aventis it was the Drug For Drugs agenda that went through.
The triumphant decision led to an inspiring speech by Johnson, “We’re trying to get to the root of the problem here. If people aren’t buying their meds, how are they going to get better?” These influential words led to the development of the drug just six weeks later.
The companies created “Addictoglax” in a laboratory in the suburbs of Show Low, Arizona. Despite the secrecy of the operation and remote location, some angry members of the public health community came to protest the new Drugs For Drugs movement. In order to both acknowledge the opposing arguments and demonstrate the effectiveness of the new medication, all 54 of the protestors were used as case studies in phase one and two of the drug testing. The results were indisputable, with a 99.9% success rate this drug was legitimized for public distribution.
Addictoglax triggers an alternate state of the nervous system. The drug creates a blanket around the cerebellum and medulla that allows that area of the brain to slow its activity due to screens that fill the spaces between the brain's neurons. This causes extreme activity to occur in the cerebrum and hypothalamus allowing only language, olfactory, and memory sensory functions to occur.
The medication is currently in liquid form and available through injection only. It is found to be most successful through intradermal, intramuscular, intravenous, intraosseous, and intraperitoneal methods of infusion. “It’s basically intra-whatever you want. That’s the point, we want to get it inta-ya” explained Johnson. The companies are also looking for new mediums of distribution such as tablets, syrups, and local produce.