Scalioclasm: A Necessary Protection for our Children

Birmingham, AL-- In a rare collision of urban development and science, the Planning Committee of the city of Birmingham, Alabama ruled stairs to be unsafe on school premises. In recent years children have reported climbing stairs throughout the school day increasingly difficult and straining their ability to learn. Teachers and other staff members of the school district find this task equally arduous and find a lack of energy for teaching after such exertion. In a dramatic culmination of stair angst, a series of "stair burnings" took place throughout the city. The structural damage was minimal in comparison to the clear message delivered to the School District. 

Stairs have caused a cascading set of issues with in schools in Birmingham. With a higher proportion of asthmatic youth, children find the time needed to recover and use their inhaler is causing tardiness and increased medical costs. "Rail Hoisting", a strategy created to ease the stair climbing process, involves using the stair handrail like a scaling rope when mountaineering. This new concentrated traffic has also caused physical injury to students accidentally stuck between different paced students and wrist sprains. The most significant detriment to students climbing stairs is psychological. After climbing one, sometimes two, flights of stairs individuals are often left in a state of profuse perspiration. This is a distraction for surrounding students and an overwhelming feeling of self-consciousness making it nearly impossible to retain educational material. 

Child psychologist Hughes Baker at the University of Southern Alabama created the term of "Porker Stigma" which is defined as an unequal treatment of individuals who are abnormally ungainly and particularly challenged by their fitness.  This condition is found in abnormally high rates among overweight youth, particularly when "performing challenging tasks". Baker designed an experiment for the Birmingham Public School District monitoring the emotional status of children required to use stairs throughout the school day. The children who attended classes all on a single floor were used as the control group. He found remarkable differences in anxiety and confidence levels between children who faced physical challenge amidst their school day. Based upon these results the City of Birmingham banned stairs from all future municipal school buildings. 

The planning department foresees pecuniary difficulties in acquiring the necessary land to build schools due to the new spacious and sprawling building codes. In order to accommodate this regulation in the most effective manner the city has hired architects renowned for their intricate use of space. Bill McNavry is the executive architect for Maze Quest Mania: The worlds largest collection of human-sized mazes and labyrinths. McNavry's extensive knowledge in maze design will create a stimulating and fun environment that will severely reduce physical exertion of any variety. 

The rejuvenated teachers and students are hopeful for future students who will not have to experience the same obstacles. In response, new school mascots are being adopted such as "The Moving Sidewalks" and new school motto's such as " Education to test and encourage children's mental abilities not physical ineptitude". The success and publicity of this new stair reform has encouraged other cities in the region to consider similar policies.