Your-Momma Joke inspires US EPA Breakthrough

BETHESDA--In the 38th anniversary celebration of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, Tricia Nixon, the daughter of former president Richard Nixon, gave the keynote address. In keeping to formality, Nixon cheerfully began with a simple joke: "Your momma's so fat she makes the earth tilt and cause global warming". What began as a simple crowd pleaser transformed the fundamental understanding of global warming.

The earth spins on an axis that is tilted from the perpendicular to the plane of orbit of the sun. It is the degree of tilt that causes the earth's seasons, and also determines the sun exposure to the Poles. Recently there has been a higher tilt angle cause increased sun exposure to the elliptical axis (around 41,000 years per cycle) the angle will only continue to increase.

The burdens of an increasingly overweight society go beyond the tax dollars required for chronic disease healthcare. The EPA is taking this new factor seriously an formed a council of consultants and politicians in order to reduce "lipid pollution". Mississippi senator Thad Cochran and dieting expert Jenny Craig advise the council and guarantee, "Bodies getting smaller and planet getting better!" The most overweight state in America, Mississippi, is postulated to bring important insight to the intervention in order to apply the most effective weight loss policies. There is new government legislation outlined by these members that has cause a significant feud between environmentalists and ethicists. 

"We're worried about discrimination," said Robert Redek, the director of the newly established non-profit FATSO (Fight Against Temperature Supersizing Organization). Redek classified as 145 lbs. overweight, and began the organization because of threatening phone calls he began to receive from local marine biologists when the report was released. 

The United States EPA found little to no reduction of green house gas emissions for the fifth consecutive year. This new discovery may be at the crux of discovering and altering the deterioration of the planet, and is projected to impact the climate greater than any other factor since the Industrial Revolution. Research is taking further steps too measure the resource intake and pollution output in members of the population classified as 85 percent overweight. This research will be used as evidence to implement "population health" standards that will be enforced through physical re-education.